Title: Intervention -- part 1
Author: Jade
Pairing: 1x2, 3x4, 13x6x5
Warnings: yaoi, lemon, silliness, semi-AU (Treize is alive)
Disclaimers: Don't own, don't sue, don't ask, don't tell

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Duo's voice over the phone was panicked. "You gotta get over here, man. He's lost it!"

Quatre tried to soothe the longhaired boy. "Maybe it's a phase..."

Duo cut him off. "No way, Q-man! It's bizarre! I need you and Trowa over here, now. We gotta snap him out of it!"

After securing the two's promise to get to their apartment at a significant percentage of the speed of light, Duo hung up and phoned Wufei. He was in luck, and both Treize and Zechs were there. After convincing the three that he desperately needed their help, he said, "I'll keep him here. But... the guy can bend steel with those hands, and I'm kinda fond of my braid. Hurry!"

Duo hung up the phone quickly as a certain Japanese pilot wandered into the kitchen, whistling. Whistling? Duo's concern went up another notch. "Heero..."


Duo rushed to the door as soon as he heard the knock. He flung it open desperately, and yelled, "Thank Shinigami you're here! Get in here, fast!" He looked suspiciously out the door, down the hallway before slamming the door again. He turned to see Quatre and Trowa standing in the living room. Trowa looked mildly annoyed, which for him meant the former clown was massively pissed off. Quatre stood, arms crossed, lips in a pout.

"This better be good, Duo! Trowa and I were just trying out the new trapeze, and..." the blond boy trailed off in shock as he heard Heero's voice from the other room. But it didn't sound like Heero's voice, exactly...

"Duo! Was that the doorbell? Is it the moving men? I told them to come at 3. They're late! Relena will be ever so cross if I'm late for our engagement party!" Then Heero laughed. Actually laughed. It was a scary sound. "Oh, I didn't know we had company! Hello, Quatre, Trowa. Nice of you to stop by! Would you like some tea?"

Quatre and Trowa stood speechless, and Trowa's mouth hung open. Scarier even than Heero's words or laugh, the Japanese boy was wearing an apron! An apron, over neat khakis and a light blue oxford shirt; the outfit was finished with spotless casual loafers.

Duo looked at Quatre and Trowa, and gave them a look that said obviously, "I told you so."

"M-moving?" Quatre managed to stammer.

"Yes! Isn't it wonderful? Relena has finally accepted my offer of marriage, and I'll be moving into her mansion," Heero paused, and he looked ready to blush, "To a guest room of course! Until our wedding day," he sighed wistfully.

"R-relena? Wedding? Moving?" Quatre seemed to have trouble speaking clearly. "But... you and Duo..." Trowa quickly clapped a hand over the blond's mouth, and interrupted.

"We'd love some tea if it's not too much trouble, Heero. We're both very happy for you," the tall boy said smoothly.

Heero clapped his hands and said happily, "Oh, goodie! I'll go make it then!" And he bounced off into the kitchen. Leaving the three boys standing aghast in the living room.

"He's delusional. The zero system has finally done him in. It's the only explanation," whispered Quatre, looking at the door Heero had just bounced through.

Trowa looked over at Duo. "How long?"

Duo sighed and said, "Since this morning, when he got back from his assignment. I thought he was joking, but when I tried to kiss him, he just pushed me away like I didn't even exist. I tried to do it again, but he just shoved me away. The man is an irresistible force, I can't budge him." Duo looked upset. "Nine months we're together, then this! No explanation, no nothing! It's like he's different person!"

Quatre frowned. "What was his assignment?"

"I don't know," admitted Duo. "It seems to be classified at a very high level. I was hoping Treize or Zechs could help me hack the files. I certainly can't do it."

As if on cue, the doorbell rang again. Trowa went to answer it, and returned leading Wufei, Treize and Zechs.

"Maxwell! This had better be important!" the Chinese boy announced, one arm around Treize and the other around Zechs.

Duo looked at the three for a moment. Zechs was trying not to grin and Treize was trying not to blush. "Dude! As much as I wanna hear the details, in detail, we have a bigger problem on our hands..." He quickly outlined the situation for the newcomers.

Treize frowned. "It doesn't sound like anything I'm familiar with," he mused. Treize was the acting commander of the Preventers.

"Nor I," Zechs added. "But it does sound like something my delusional sister would dream up."

"I agree," Wufei added. "But how?"

Heero chose that moment to bustle back in the room. "Oh! More company! This is so exciting! Hey," he paused, frowning, looking more like his usual self for a second. "I know what you're up to!"

"Y-you do?" squeaked Duo, trying to hide behind Zechs.

"Why yes! You're here to help me pack!" Heero smiled beatifically. "That's so nice of you, but I've already finished. Relena won't let me bring most of my things with me, she said she'd buy me a whole new wardrobe. Isn't she wonderful?" Heero sighed, eyes dreamy, and Treize and Zechs looked at each other in horror. "Let me get us all some tea!" He disappeared into the kitchen.

Duo looked at his friends. "You see what I'm up against?"

Treize shook his head. "I've never seen anything like it. Your sister has to be behind this, Zechs."

"Yes," agreed Zechs. "She had been babbling on about some new project but I ignored her as usual..."

Trowa stated, "Well it looks like whatever it is, she's succeeded this time."

"What are we going to do about it?" worried Quatre. "We have to make him see reason."

"Yeah, not to mention to remind him of the fact that he's gay," said Duo.

"That's it!" Treize said quickly.

"What?" Wufei asked.

"An intervention!" replied Treize.

"What's that?" asked Zechs.

"I've heard of that," said Quatre. "It's where a group of people try to make another person confront his problems, by direct methods."

"Exactly! We're all here, it would be perfect," Treize went on.

"Don't they usually lock the person in until they see the error of their ways?" frowned Trowa.

"Yes, I think so, in extreme cases," agreed Quatre.

"Well this is definitely an extreme case," said Duo. "I say we do it! Are you guys in?"

"I wouldn't wish my sister on anyone," said Zechs. "I'll do whatever I need to do."

All the others agreed, and they quickly discussed strategies.

Finally, they were all sitting in the dining room, the only room big enough for all of them, with the added benefit of having doors that could be locked. Heero brought in tea and biscuits, and they all sat down. Except Duo, who sidled unobtrusively to the door, slapping on a combination lock that only he knew how to open. Showtime.

"Heero," began Duo. "We're worried about you."

Heero looked up with wide eyes at the longhaired boy. "Whatever for? I'm happy as a clam!" Everyone winced.

"Tell us, Heero," asked Treize mildly. "How long have you and Relena been, um, together?" Everyone shuddered.

"Why, what a silly question! Everyone knows that Relena and I have been..." Heero paused, frowning. "Well, we've been dating for a long time. I really love her! And she's finally agreed to make me the happiest man in the world!" Everyone groaned.

Wufei whispered to Zechs, "I think I'm going to be ill."

Quatre frowned at him and shook his head.

Trowa looked like he was trying not to laugh.

Treize went on in his most reasonable tone. "Heero. Don't you find it odd that you can't remember how long you've been together? Well, why don't you tell us about your first date?"

Heero's face lit up. "That's easy! We were..." he started to frown. "There was a beach..." He trailed off. "I'm sure I can't remember because I'm so excited!"

Duo groaned.

The reasonable approach wasn't working, so Quatre decided to jump in. "Heero. You can't marry Relena. You're gay."

"I am? No I'm not. I'd know, wouldn't I?" Heero asked, clearly confused. These were his friends, they wouldn't lie to him...

"Well, you have been known to be even more oblivious than me," smirked Trowa.

Quatre and Duo nodded.

"Are you gay?" Heero asked suddenly. All the men at the table nodded. Heero's head began to hurt. "All of you?"

Duo's voice started to sound a little hysterical. "Yes, Heero. I'm gay. They're gay. You're gay. We're all gay!"

Heero frowned. "Isn't that a little, um, improbable?"

Zechs shrugged. "It does seem so, but I assure you, it is true."

"No one knows why," Trowa said mildly.

"I would think I would know if I was gay," Heero said, but he sounded unsure.

"You'd think so," grumbled Wufei, but Treize frowned at him.

"Heero," Treize began reasonably. "We're your friends, right?" Heero nodded, and the older man went on. "We want to make sure you're happy with your decision."

Treize sounded so reasonable and kind, Heero couldn't help but nod in agreement. "That's awfully nice of you," he replied.

Zechs leaned forward, smiling unsettlingly. "So you won't mind if we... show you a few things... so we can be sure you're making the right decision?"

"What sort of things?" Heero asked, not sure he wanted to know, but curious.

"Oh, just things," Treize replied evasively. "If you're not gay, then they will have no effect, and we will wish you and Relena all the happiness in the world." Duo winced, but Treize went on. "If, however, there is some... effect... then I'm sure Duo would be happy to help you rediscover yourself."

Heero looked around his circle of friends. It all sounded perfectly reasonable, and he had to admit he was curious about what Treize was referring to. "Ok, I guess it wouldn't hurt," he allowed. "But I'm going to tell you right now, it's no use."

Quatre smiled much more wickedly than should have been possible for such an angelic demeanor. "We'll see about that," he purred, and turned to Trowa. "Shall we go first?"

Continued in part 2