Title: Big Trouble in Little Truck
Author: Jade
Pairing: 1+2, 3+4, 5+Kleenex
Warnings: yaoi, humor
Disclaimers: Don't own, don't sue, don't ask, don't tell

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"Ok, tell me again why we had to steal this truck. This small, incredibly trashed truck," Duo asked, eyeing the contraption Wufei had driven up in.

"Hey, it's not my fault that no one will rent a car to us anymore," Wufei snapped. "Talk to Mr. One-Man-Demolition-Team over there. Hertz, Budget, even Rent-a-Wreck, it's all the same. Right in their computer, it says, no spandex boy or any of his associates. So we are reduced to thievery." Wufei glared at Heero, who was currently looking underneath the old truck, to see if there were any bombs, apparently.

"Get over it, Wufei. Who knew a minivan even had a self-destruct button anyway?" Heero replied without looking at him. Duo stifled a giggle, knowing it would get him hurt by either Wufei or Heero.

"Let's get this piece of crap loaded," Heero said. "We need to get out of here."

Twenty minutes later, the back of the truck was bulging with various technical looking equipment. Wufei, Trowa, Quatre and Heero stood outside the cab, ready to go. They were dressed in their usual outfits. They were waiting for Duo as usual. Heero was grumbling about Duo's hair always being a problem when the braided boy sauntered up. He was wearing a tight midriff top that left his stomach half bare and a tiny pair of cut-off shorts that barely covered his ass. Duo smiled as Heero's chin threatened to hit the floor.

"What the hell are you wearing?" managed Heero.

"Well, I always get too hot on these little excursions, so I decided to dress more... appropriately," smirked Duo.

"Wherever did you get that outfit?" squeaked Quatre, trying to keep Trowa from drooling all over himself.

"Oh, this old thing? Just a little outfit I used to wear in the old days on L2. It was very hot there, you know. Environmental controls never worked right. You like it?" Duo turned around, bent over slightly and looked back over his shoulder at the pilots.

Wufei bolted, mumbling something about Kleenex, Quatre blushed, Trowa licked his lips and Heero said, "Hn."

Wufei came back, clutching a box of tissues and studiously not looking at Duo. "I'm driving." No one argued with him.

"Isn't there some other way to all fit in this cab?" Heero wondered. "I always get crushed."

"Wufei always insists on driving, Duo and I are smallest, and no one else is damn well sitting on Trowa's lap," Quatre said firmly, clutching the green-eyed pilot's arm possessively. "That leaves Duo on your lap, I'm afraid, Heero. Besides, Duo paid me - mmf," Quatre finished as Duo covered his mouth quickly, grinning.

Heero glowered but didn't say anything, wondering how in the hell he was going to survive this trip. It was bad enough to have the braided pilot on his lap normally, squirming around as he did, but dressed like that? It was going to be hard - in more than one way.

The pilots started arranging themselves in the truck. Wufei slid behind the wheel, clutching his box of tissues protectively. Trowa got in next, in the middle, legs straddling the gearshift. Quatre clambered in, happily settling himself on Trowa's lap and snuggling the green-eyed boy. Heero tried to get in but was blocked by Duo, bending over so far that his shorts were pulled up to... "Get out of the way, Duo!" Heero growled.

"Just a minute, Heero. I'm stowing my pack. Gotta have my munchies, ya know," Duo grinned at Heero over his shoulder. "K'. All done!" Duo moved back out of Heero's way, raising his arms up over his head, ostensibly to afford Heero more room, but mostly just so his shirt would ride up even more. Heero climbed in the truck. Duo managed to get in the way so Heero brushed against him. Duo smiled delightedly. This was gonna be fun...

"All ready, Heero?" Duo said suggestively. "Cause here I come!" Duo said with emphasis on the last word. With that, Duo climbed up onto Heero's lap, going for the most contact with the cobalt-eyed boy as possible.

Duo settled happily on Heero's spandex-clad lap. Heero clenched his jaw as Duo very deliberately wriggled around to get a comfortable position. Duo couldn't decide if he wanted to be able to look at the object of his lust as he tormented him, or go for the most groin-to-ass contact by facing away. Duo decided on looking at Heero. This also allowed for possible clutching of Heero if they encountered turbulence, and since Wufei was driving, that was practically a given. Wufei seemed to think it dishonorable to drive below the posted speed limit for any reason whatsoever, like snow, rain, turns, passengers...

Heero glared at Duo. How did the longhaired boy know just how to get to him? It had taken all his iron control not to jump on Duo when he first saw him in that outfit, and now here he was on his lap, those shorts covering nothing at all. Heero began to lose the battle with his body and started getting hard. At any moment, Duo would be able to tell... sometimes spandex had its drawbacks.

Quatre was happily nuzzling Trowa's neck and whispering something to him that made the green-eyed pilot look as happy as he ever did. Trowa slid his hand into Quatre's shirt, making the smaller pilot gasp. Quatre's hands dropped to Trowa's lap and the brown-haired pilot sighed and let his head fall back against the seat.

"Get a room," growled Heero at the happy couple.

"Speak for yourself," Trowa shot back, eyeing Heero's crotch.

Heero scowled at Trowa. Heero began the difficult task of trying to keep Duo from sliding back on his slippery spandex-clad lap enough to feel his hardness, as Wufei sped around corners with no regard for his passengers.

After about 30 minutes of this treatment, Heero noticed that he had seen this particular bit of scenery before. Peering across the cab at the driver, he observed, "You're lost."

Wufei began to protest, "The mission briefing was wrong. The turn we were to take doesn't exist."

"Hn," Heero replied. They were approaching a convenience store. "Stop there and ask for directions."

"No! I can find it! I will not stop! Asking for directions is dishonorable!" Wufei cried.

Heero decided he couldn't take this much longer. He leaned across the oblivious Quatre and Trowa, and pointed his gun at Wufei's head. "Stop."

"Wow, Heero, where do you hide that gun?" Duo teased. "Oh, that must have been that bulge I felt!"

"But..." Wufei thought about protesting further, then saw the murderous look on Heero's face and thought better of it. He pulled into the AM/PM without further protest.

While Wufei went in to ask for directions, the other pilots took the opportunity to stretch their legs. Heero was checking on the equipment in the back when he heard the whistles.

"Hey baby! Over here!"

"Whoo hoo! Shake it honey!"

"Hey! That ain't no girl!"

"Yeah, Joe, you was yelling at a pretty boy!"

"Shut up! That can't be a boy! Look at that hair!"

"Duo..." Heero muttered under his breath. When he saw the two of the men head for the store entrance, Heero decided he had better go after Duo.

Duo, meanwhile, had decided he was thirsty. He saw Wufei at the counter, gesturing wildly at the frightened attendant. Duo grinned as he surveyed his choices. Sugar, caffeine, artificial flavoring...all of the above, Duo decided. Grabbing the largest cup available, the Humungous Gulp, he started putting ice in it. Suddenly, he felt... hands on his braid!

Duo was jerked back as his hair was roughly grabbed. He tried to spin around but couldn't, as his head was immobilized.

"Asshole! Let go of my hair!" Duo yelled.

"Now that ain't no way for such a pretty girl to talk," a voice drawled in his ear. The smell of chewing tobacco assaulted Duo as he struggled.

"I told ya, Joe, that ain't no girl!" another voice came from behind him.

Duo tried to kick back at his assailants but he couldn't reach. Then he felt arms coming around him from behind. The cup of ice fell to the floor. He was trapped. Where was everyone? Didn't anyone in the store care what was happening?

Strong arms lifted Duo and turned him around. Duo saw one of the guys from outside standing in front of him, smirking.

"You sure are pretty," drawled the man. "Let's see if you're a boy or a girl."

Duo started to struggle again. He looked around desperately, but there was no one in the store anymore. Shit.

Rough hands reached for his shirt and pulled it up. "Nope, nothing here, you're right," the man chuckled. "I still don't believe it though!"

Duo tried to kick out at the man but the man holding him tightened his grip until Duo thought his arms were going to break. Joe reached for Duo's shorts. Duo struggled and cried out in pain. Then the glass doors flew open so hard one of them shattered against the doorstop.

"Heero!" Duo cried. Save me, he thought.

Heero's blood turned to ice as he surveyed the scene before him. His trigger finger twitched. His fists bunched. Two Neanderthals were in front of him. One was holding Duo and one had his hand down the front of Duo's pants. HIS Duo. Though Duo didn't know it yet. MINE! Heero's mind screamed. Heero advanced one step.

"Who the hell are you?" sneered the man holding Duo. The other man turned around and looked at Heero.

"Is this a friend of yours? You ain't as pretty as Miss Braid here, but you ain't bad. I like them tight shorts," he laughed. "You'll have to wait your turn, though." With that, he turned his back on Heero. His first indication of trouble came as Duo started to laugh and the man holding him looked scared. Then all hell broke loose.

Heero threw a roundhouse kick that connected squarely with Joe's head. The man staggered from the impact. Heero then grabbed the man by the hair and brought his head down to meet firmly with his knee. As the man slid to the floor Heero put him in a sleeper hold and the man lapsed into unconsciousness. Heero dumped him on the floor and turned to face the man holding his Duo.

All this happened in a matter of seconds and the man was still gaping in amazement. Heero took another step forward and said in a monotone, "Get. Your. Hands. Off. Him. NOW."

The man opened and closed his mouth soundlessly. He let go of Duo and started to back away. Duo slumped and tried to see if his arms still worked, but wisely remained silent and got the hell out of the way.

Heero watched as the man tried to walk past him and go out the door. As he went past, Heero's arm shot out and grabbed his collar. Heero then punched the man in the face so hard he went flying over the counter. There was a sickening crunch and all was silent.

Heero turned to Duo. They stared at each other for a long moment. Then Duo launched himself at Heero and hugged him tightly. Duo buried his face in Heero's neck and breathed deeply. "You saved me! Thanks, Heero!" Duo felt Heero's arms around him for an all too brief moment.

Heero stepped back then, disentangling himself from the braided boy. "Just don't do it again. Let's go. We're late."

"But Heeeero! I didn't get my drink!" Duo was still giddy from the hug. Heero was so strong...

"Get it. And let's go," growled Heero. Little did Duo know that Heero could never refuse him anything, especially now when adrenaline was still pumping through him from the fight and then the hug. God, how he wanted Duo. Right here. Right on the floor. Heero realized he was staring at Duo's ass as the longhaired boy got his drink. I'm no better than they are, Heero thought disgustedly. Duo deserves better than me.

Duo got his drink and they hurried back out to the truck where the other pilots were already waiting for them. They got in the truck and Heero said, "Get out of here. Fast."

For once, Wufei didn't question him and he burned rubber out of the parking lot.

Trowa and Quatre looked at Heero with wide eyes. Duo clutched his drink and Heero tightly. Heero's hand clutched Duo's braid protectively. "Don't ask," Heero growled.

"Did you figure out where we are, Wufei?" Quatre inquired sweetly.

"Yes," Wufei replied shortly, blushing. He had missed a turn while he was trying not to watch Duo wiggling or Quatre and Trowa kissing. He knew where he was. Sort of. He checked where his tissues were.

The huge drink that had caused so much trouble was currently causing Heero even more trouble. The lid had a neck and hole through which you could drink without a straw, like a sports bottle, sort of. Duo was enthusiastically sucking on it, wrapping his lips around it and making small happy sounds, occasionally removing his mouth to lick his lips. He would also surreptitiously glance at Heero to see if his show was having any effect. Unfortunately, the object of Duo's lust had his eyes closed at the moment, his forehead creased in concentration. Duo pouted. All that innocent seductiveness wasted... Duo wouldn't have worried, if he had known what Heero was concentrating on at that moment.

I will not get hard I will not get hard I will not get harder oh shit too late, was going through Heero's mind. Even with his eyes closed he could see Duo's mouth around the plastic, see his tongue running around the edge... Heero could see disaster approaching rapidly as Duo began to wriggle around in his lap again, trying his best to slide backwards.

The old truck chose that particular moment to become airborne over some railroad tracks. It was unfortunate timing. Duo had just removed the top of his drink to get at the last sip.

A large portion of the contents described a perfect parabolic arc. Right onto Heero's chest and stomach. This was not received well.

"DUO!" Heero yelled, showing more emotion than any of them had ever seen, as the icy liquid soaked him thoroughly. Heero grabbed Duo's braid and yanked. Duo squeaked as he found himself inches from Heero's face. "You're dead meat."

Heero proceeded to wrap Duo's braid around his neck and throttle him. Duo started gasping for air and flailing around in the small cab. Needless to say, this did not improve the situation.

"Hey!" Quatre complained as one of Duo's flailing limbs pushed him into Wufei. Wufei screamed as Quatre was pushed into his lap, dislodging his precious Kleenex. Wufei grabbed for the box and connected with something most decidedly not his tissues.

Quatre gasped, "Wufei! That's my...." Trowa growled and grabbed Wufei's ponytail. "Hands off."

"I just wanted a penis... I mean Kleenex..." Wufei wailed, head pointed at the ceiling.

Meanwhile, Duo's grasping hands connected with the remains of his ice. Grabbing a handful, he stuffed it down what he thought was Heero's shirt in an effort to make him let go of his braid. Unfortunately, this failed because it was Trowa's shirt, not Heero's, that received the ice.

Releasing Wufei's head, Trowa clawed at his shirt, trying to get the ice out. Wufei slumped forward, losing hold of the steering wheel. The truck swerved violently before Wufei was able to regain control. Due to the swerve, Quatre's face was now in Wufei's lap and Trowa had somehow got his hand down Duo's pants. Heero noticed this and growled, attempting to choke Trowa. Duo ended up partly in Trowa's lap with his shirt nearly off. Quatre flailed around in time to see Duo's hands in Trowa's lap. Huffing with indignation, Quatre sat up on his elbow, nearly crushing Wufei's manhood in the process, and tried to slap Duo. Due to the next gyration of the truck, however, he only managed to get his hands tangled in Trowa's shirt, which subsequently ripped off. The shirt predictably flew directly onto the driver's face. The truck swerved again. Now Heero was on Duo's lap and Quatre was on top of Heero. Trowa was trying to remove his shirt from Wufei's face. Duo began to yell that he was dying. Heero grabbed Quatre and tried to get him off his own lap. Unfortunately, Trowa chose that moment to look over and see Heero's hands on Quatre's ass. Now Trowa growled and reached over to throttle Heero. Unfortunately, Duo had by now managed to get partially out from underneath Heero and was in the way. Trying to protect Heero, Duo shoved some ice down the front of Trowa's pants. Trowa's one visible eye widened before he started trying to get the ice out. This involved unfastening his pants. Quatre saw Duo molesting Trowa and went after him. Yanking Duo off Trowa had the effect of ripping Duo's shirt off. Duo looked in dismay at the ruins of his favorite shirt, and attacked Quatre with a growl, ripping his pink shirt off. Trowa grabbed Duo to rescue Quatre, but since Duo only had one item of clothing left, he had to grab for Duo's shorts. Predictably, there was a loud rip. Duo now wore only a zebra-striped thong.

"A zebra-striped thong?" they all exclaimed.

"I got it from this cute blue-haired boy. But that's another story," Duo replied before attacking Trowa. This time Heero got in the way and lost his ubiquitous tank top. At this point, Wufei was wailing about injustice and throwing bloodstained Kleenex from the car. Miraculously, all four of the battling pilots had somehow regained their original positions in the truck. During a pause in the action, Heero realized there was a nearly naked braided boy straddling his lap. Trowa and Quatre's eyes met at the same time their bare chests and unbuttoned pants did. Both sets of pilots promptly forgot the disagreement as the blood left their brains and headed for more enjoyable areas. Trowa and Quatre's lips locked and they escaped into their own world. Heero's eyes met Duo's as Heero realized that Duo was pressed directly against his hardness. There was no way Heero could deny his feelings now. There was a hot bulge pressed against Heero's stomach, so he knew Duo felt the same way. "Heero?" whispered Duo in shock.

"Yes, Duo?" Heero responded as evenly as possible.

"Heero... you... you're...I..." Duo stammered, unable to speak for once.

"Shut up, Duo," Heero replied, and crushed his lips to Duo's at long last.

That was the moment that Wufei chose to look over. His resulting wail of dismay echoed from the surrounding hills.

The End (for now)