Title: Gundam Elimidate
Author: Jade
Pairing: 1,3,4,5+2
Warnings: yaoi, silliness, AU
Notes: Notes: This one needs a bit of explanation. I don't usually watch TV, but the other day I was flipping through the channels, and I saw this show called Elimidate. It's one of those shows that is like a bad car accident; you can't help but look. So I watched. The premise, if you haven't seen it, is a guy or girl, who has to choose between 4 suitors. They go through various demeaning activities and the contestants are eliminated one by one till only one is left. In the middle of being amazed that anyone would actually go on one of these shows and embarrass themselves like that, I suddenly had an epiphany. 5 people on the show. 5 g-boys. Enough said.
One note: the boys are of course a bit out of character... this is humor, I've sort of caricaturized them... don't take it too seriously...
Disclaimers: Don't own, don't sue, don't ask, don't tell

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Announcer: Thanks for joining us again on Elimidate! The show that pits four challengers against each other to win the hand of one lucky person... Let's get right to the action and meet our most eligible bachelor... Duo!

(cut to Duo)

Duo: Hi, my name is Duo! I run, I hide, but I never lie... so I'm not lying when I say I'm really looking forward to meeting my potential dates! I have to say that I love to be the center of attention... I attract a lot of attention and I need a man who won't freak out at that. I love to flirt, but I'm into fidelity, you know what I mean? And honesty. I want a real man, who is gonna be real with me. No games. Oh, and my hair is real important to me. (plays with braid) I love to dance and party.

Announcer: Ok, let's meet the boys! We're here in beautiful San Diego...

(cut to Duo standing in front of a fountain at an outdoor mall)

Duo: (watches as Trowa approach, obviously checking out the tall, slim boy in his super-tight jeans) Hi! I'm Duo!

Trowa: Hello, Duo, I'm Trowa.

Duo: Hi, Trowa! Wow, you're tall. Interesting hair! How do you get it to stay that way?

Trowa: (looks down) Uh, lots of hair gel. Um, you're pretty.

Duo: (grinning) Thanks, Trowa!

(Wufei stalks up, looking embarrassed)

Duo: (smiling) Hi! I'm Duo! Nice to meet you!

Wufei: (looking stern) I am Wufei. I am honored to meet you (bows).

Duo: oo, a ponytail, I love ponytails.

Wufei: you will not need to meet the others, Duo. I am all you need.

Duo: (laughing) oh, very confident! We'll see!

(Quatre bounces up)

Duo: (smiling but looking tired) Hi! I'm Duo!

Quatre: (giggling) Hi! I'm Quatre! You have the best hair! (hugs Duo)

Duo: Thanks man!

Quatre: you have to tell me what conditioner you use!

Duo: sorry, Quatre, can't tell you that! A boy's gotta have secrets, ya know!

Quatre: (pouts)

(Heero strides up confidently)

Duo: (still trying to smile) Hi, I'm Duo.

Heero: Hello, I'm Heero and I'm your hero. (kisses Duo's hand)

Duo: (giggles) oo, Heero! (checks out his spandex-clad ass)

Heero: (smirks at other boys)

(cut to individual shots of the boys, commenting privately to the announcer)

Duo: oh, they're all gorgeous! I don't know how I'll choose...

Wufei: I am the honorable choice. Heero was pawing him. Trowa's jeans are so tight I don't see how he could even sit down. And Quatre? Please. The boy is wearing pink. So 80's.

Trowa: ...

Heero: Duo will make the right choice, I'm sure. I mean, look at the others! Wufei? Change out of the pajamas, dude! Trowa? Speak! Quatre? Vests went out in the 70's.

Quatre: (giggles) of course he'll choose me! I'm blond! And cute! (bats eyelashes at camera)

(they move on to Starbucks)

Duo: I'll have a triple venti caramel mocha, please.

Wufei: Tazo chai please.

Trowa: (looks indecisive)

Heero: Hammerhead. (person behind counter looks blank) Black coffee with a shot of espresso. Make it a double.

Quatre: (pouts) they don't have real tea!

Wufei: (holds his up) yes they do.

Quatre: (wrinkles nose) that's not real! It's from a bag. (shudders with horror) I'll have a Tazoberry and cream. Extra whipped cream! (gets the drink) oo, it's PINK!

Wufei: (rolls eyes)

Trowa: I'll have whatever is easiest...

(they all sit at a table, Heero and Wufei crowding to sit closest to Duo, Quatre and Trowa taking seats on either side)

Duo: ok, first question! What is your ideal date?

Quatre: oo! I want to go first. Ok, my favorite thing is the opera! And the only way to see the opera is the most famous place for opera... Vienna!

Duo: is that in Jersey?

Wufei: (snorts)

Quatre: no, silly! It's in Europe. Vienna, Austria! I'd fly us there on my private plane. But first we'd have to go shopping! We'd have so much fun!

Duo: (sweatdrops) ok... Heero! What about you?

Heero: my idea of the perfect date is to go dancing... so I can be close to you all night... real close... (leers)

Trowa: (coughs)

Duo: (blushes) um... Wufei?

Wufei: I am a man of strong convictions! I would take you to a political rally. That way we could really make a difference in the world!

Heero: (yawns)

Duo: interesting... and Trowa? What about you? You're so quiet...

Trowa: (looks uncomfortable): well, I... would take you to the circus.

Quatre: (laughs) The circus?

Trowa: (looks defensive) yes. I work at a circus. I'm a clown. Everybody loves circuses!

Heero, Wufei and Quatre: (laugh hysterically)

Duo: well, it's time to Elimidate someone!

(cut to private shots of the boys)

Wufei: I think Heero should get cut because he's too pushy... he's just a dishonorable, horny thug....

Trowa: I think Wufei should get cut because he's too uptight...

Quatre: I think Wufei should get cut cause he's wearing pajamas...

Heero: I think Wufei should get cut because he's boring.

(back to Duo)

Duo: This is such a hard decision, you're all so great! But one of you has to go... (turns to Quatre) and it's gonna be you. I'm afraid I'm not high-class enough for you, Quatre. I hate the opera. I'm sure you'll find the perfect guy someday!

Heero: so long...

(cut to Duo talking privately)

Duo: yeah, I had to cut blondie loose... I couldn't go out with a guy more femme than me...

Quatre: (flounces off in disgust) He'd never appreciate me anyway... he's probably got hair extensions... come on, Rashid, we're out of here...(gets in limo and drives off)

(then it's on to dinner with the remaining boys! They go to a restaurant called PF Chang's, a "california-ized" Chinese restaurant)

Duo: next question! What makes you special?

Trowa: (does the limbo under the table, then swings up onto the wires holding the lights up and walks on them)

All: (silent)

Duo: (looks impressed)

Wufei: I fight for justice! But this menu! This is injustice! This is not Chinese food! What are lettuce wraps? My grandmother didn't even know what lettuce was! (goes on until he realizes no one is listening)

Heero: I can bend steel bars with my hands...

Wufei: (sneers) that must come in handy....when you get arrested.

Duo: now boys.... That was very informative. Thanks.

(they order their food. Wufei tries to order for Duo)

Duo: Uh... if you couldn't already tell, I have a thing about hair. Mine, and everyone else's. I want to run my fingers through your hair. (gets up) Wufei, you're first. Will you take out your ponytail?

Wufei: (indignant) It's not a ponytail! And no, I won't remove it!

Duo: uh, ok. Heero? Is it ok with you?

Heero: sure, baby. Anything you want.

Duo: (smiles and runs his fingers through Heero's hair, making it even messier) nice....

Heero: (smirks) do I get to do the same to you?

Duo: uh... maybe later... (looks worried) Trowa?

Trowa: go ahead.

Duo: (tries to run his fingers through Trowa's hair but gets stuck in the bang) Ack! I'm stuck! This hair gel is like glue!

(they struggle for a few moments, then cut to a commercial)

(food arrives)

Trowa: (eats 2 bites) I'm full...

Wufei: (snorts) your pants are too tight.

Heero: (goes off and returns with a huge piece of chocolate cake with ice cream)

Duo: oooh... I love dessert....

Heero: (feeds him a bite)

Duo: ok, I'm afraid it's time to Elimidate someone!

(cut to private comments)

Wufei: I think Heero should get cut because he doesn't have true convictions... he doesn't understand the meaning of true honor... he's a scoundrel!

Trowa: I think Wufei should get cut because he's unbalanced. Like everything I do in life, I am balanced and in control at all times.... Look at this.... (Does a back flip and a handstand)

Heero: I think Wufei should get cut because he is not enough man for Duo. I *am* the package.

Wufei: and we can all see his package, he's wearing spandex.

(back to Duo)

Duo: It gets harder each time, believe me... but Wufei, you're a bit too serious for me! I'm a fun loving guy... and I like to order for myself! Bye bye...

(cut to Duo's private comments)

Duo: Wufei went off a bit about the menu. Lighten up, dude! I didn't mean to offend him... but I like to order for myself. Trowa was a bit too quiet...and I really liked the cake...

(cut to Wufei)

Wufei: (walks off in indignance) Duo wouldn't know an honorable man if he sat on him! Trowa's pants were much too tight, and he has no ass... and Heero! What is up with the spandex? Dishonor...

Announcer: Now that two of the boys have been Elimidated, it's time to make the final cut! They're off to go dancing, and you know what they say, three's a crowd...

(shot of the boys walking into a dance club, one on either side of Duo)

Duo: I love to dance! This is great! Flashing lights, hot music! Let's get out there, boys!

(Duo drags them out onto the dance floor. They dance, Duo in between Heero and Trowa. They dance a couple of fast dances, then slow music starts)

Duo: Ok, I love to slow dance too. This way we get up close and personal. I'll take turns with both of you. Trowa, you're first.

(Trowa takes Duo into his arms, and they dance. Duo looks up at Trowa dreamily. Heero stalks back and forth in the background, looking pissed. After a few moments, Heero walks up to them)

Heero: I'm cutting in. (pushes Trowa out of the way and takes Duo in his arms) Much better.

(they dance, and Duo can't help running his hands over Heero's biceps. Heero smirks and goes for serious eye contact)

(the dance ends. The three boys are sitting at the bar)

Duo: ok, boys, this is your last chance...Impress me...

Trowa: (puts his legs behind his head)

Duo: (wide eyed)

Heero: (leans over and kisses Duo long and hard)

Duo: (looking flushed) Uh, it's time to make the final elimadation...

(cut to boy's private comments)

Trowa: Duo should choose me because... I'm a contortionist.

Heero: Duo *will* choose me. I would say that Trowa made an ass of himself but he doesn't have one... (laughs)

(back to Duo)

Duo: Well, it was a difficult choice... I like both of you a lot! But in the end... Heero, that kiss and that dance did it for me. I choose you. Sorry, Trowa!

(Trowa walks off dejectedly, only to run into Quatre in the parking lot. He is last seen being pulled into the limo)

(Heero and Duo are kissing in the background)

Announcer: well, that's it for another thrilling episode of Elimidate. Once again, two people find romance and three people... find their way home alone. Duo, Heero, congratulations. (turns to the two, who are currently undressing each other right at the bar) Boys, can we have a few comments.... (the boys ignore him, climbing up on the bar to grind against each other. The announcer turns back to the camera, blushing) Well, maybe next time. Thanks for watching!

(Camera fades to black just as Heero and Duo get naked)

The End!