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The challenge:

"Comedy Central is running Kevin Smith movies again, specifically the one that AR is in. As a result, a seriously weird plotbunny has invaded my head. The gist of it is that one or more Hogwarts students see the movie "Dogma" and start a rumor to the effect that Snape, like the AR character in "Dogma", is anatomically incorrect. One of the older students decides to find out for themself if the rumor is true."

Thanks for reading this,
Firestorm17

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Harry was spending the last few days of summer holidays blissfully, with Ron and Hermione at the twin's new place. Fred and George had taken over Zonko's joke shop in Hogsmeade when the owner retired, glad to be rid of it, and the shop came with a small but functional flat above it. Soon he would begin his seventh and final year at Hogwarts, and he never had to see the Dursleys again. All were in fine spirits, including Harry, probably due partially to the keg of hard butterbeer Fred and George had managed to wrestle up the winding stairs.

Hermione was sat on Ron's lap, and Harry sat on the couch next to them. He was starting to feel like a third wheel, or whatever the Muggle saying was, when he was near the two of them. Trying to ignore the pair, Harry watched as more and more of Fred disappeared behind a shelf that held an assortment of Muggle electronics. Suddenly there was a sizzle and a pop, and Fred's head jerked up so that it hit the shelf above him. A stream of colourful Muggle and wizard curses came from the general direction of Fred's head, and George came running in.

"What'd you do, you git? I just got that working!" George demanded. The twins had been working for some time on getting a Muggle television set to work in Hogsmeade. They'd done it some time ago, but then they decided they needed a DVD player too, so they could watch Muggle movies whenever they wanted. They especially loved the comedies, which came as no surprise to Harry. The three of them had been invited over tonight to witness the debut of Weasley's Wonderful Entertainment System. Sort of.

"The sound wasn't coming out of all the speakers," explained Fred calmly, head still invisible to view. "You have to have surround sound, you know."

"It sounded fine before," offered Hermione placatingly.

Fred finally backed out of the electronics and rolled his eyes at his twin. "But now it sounds *wicked*," he replied, picking up the remote and punching a button.

Immediately, the room was filled with deafening noise. Harry, who was quite the aficionado of Muggle rock and roll, couldn't even identify the song. It was just too loud. Ron and Hermione clapped their hands over their ears, faces twisted in agony. Fred and George just grinned and patted each other on the back, nodding in approval.

When the music finally stopped, Harry's ears were still ringing. Hermione and Ron looked shell-shocked. And Fred and George looked triumphal.

"Don't the neighbors complain?" asked Hermione shakily.

"Nope!" grinned George.

"Silencing charms always were a Weasley talent," added Fred, with a smirk at Ron, who promptly blushed.

Harry didn't really want to know, so he tried to change the subject. "So what are we watching?" He'd seen plenty of Muggle movies, so it wasn't really a novelty for him, but he wanted to act interested. Anything to distract him from the lovebirds next to him.

Fred held up a DVD cover. "Dogma!" he announced. "Supposed to be very funny."

"All about the Muggle fixation on their god and stuff," George said.

"Sounds interesting," Harry said, and got himself another pint.

They settled back to watch the movie.

Harry had to admit that some bits were quite funny; he wasn't sure how much sense it would make to someone who wasn't raised with Muggles, though. But Ron seemed happy enough, and the twins were quite intoxicated.

There were some pretty girls in the movie, and Fred and George gleefully commented on them, but Harry stayed quiet. He hadn't told anyone that he was gay, he wasn't quite ready for that, but also he didn't want to lie. He did perk up, though, when the Metatron appeared. Harry had always fancied older men, and this actor's voice was incredible. If he closed his eyes, it reminded him of someone... with a start he realised who it was. The man's voice sounded just like Professor Snape's! The same accent, the same perfect enunciation, the same perfect deep sexiness... Harry blushed as he felt himself harden at the thought of Snape. What was wrong with him, that the greasy old git was turning him on? He thought he'd gotten over that fifth year. He opened his eyes again and realised that not only did the Metatron sound like Snape, he looked a bit like him too! It must be the nose...

Harry tried to concentrate on the movie. The Metatron was trying to convince a woman that he was a sexless angel, and Harry's breath caught as he dropped his pants. But the angel was indeed sexless, his crotch looking like one of the Muggle Barbie dolls that Dudley had once liked to play with (much to the consternation of his father). He heard Hermione gasp, and the Weasley brothers burst out laughing. There were lots of off-colour comments made, and every time the Metatron was onscreen, he could hear Ron giggling. Harry still thought the man was hot.

Suddenly, Hermione sat up and stared more closely at the screen. "You know, you might think this odd, but... doesn't the Metatron remind you of someone?"

"What, the guy that doesn't have a," Ron trailed off. "You know?"

"Yes!" Hermione said, more sure of herself. "What do you think, Harry? He seems so familiar..."

Harry stammered, not wanting to say what he thought, in case it seemed odd that he was thinking of Snape... "I'm not sure... maybe..."

"It's Snape!" shouted George. "He sounds just like him!"

"Yes!" agreed Fred. "And the nose! It's a Muggle Snape!"

The twins seemed to find this hilarious, and so did Ron.

"Yes, he reminds me of Professor Snape!" said Hermione triumphantly.

"Just give him some long greasy black hair, and a disgusted sneer, and you've got another Snape!" crowed George.

Ron shuddered. "One of him is bad enough, thanks."

No one noticed that Harry kept strangely silent through this whole interchange.

Suddenly, Fred burst out in a fresh peal of laughter.

"What?" demanded George, but Fred was laughing so hard he couldn't speak.

Finally, after several abortive attempts, Fred managed to wheeze, "D'you think Snape is like that too?"

"Like what?" asked Hermione curiously.

George and Ron cottoned on at the same time, and the younger Weasley nearly slid off the couch in his laughter. Hermione still looked perplexed. "What?" she demanded.

"Bits!" crowed Fred. "I bet Snape has no bits, just like that guy!" He pointed to the television. All the Weasleys were nearly hysterical with laughter now, and even Hermione giggled.

Harry had to admit the idea was funny, but unfortunately all he could think of now was Snape's bits.

"It would definitely explain why he's so nasty all the time," ventured Hermione, blushing slightly.

Fred and George were now literally rolling on the floor now.

"Yes! We've figured it out!" gasped George.

"The secret to Snape's surliness!" crowed Ron.

"He can't get any! Ever!" Fred laughed. "Not that anyone would want to..."

Harry frowned. *He* wanted to... no, he didn't! Even though Snape was tall, dark and sexy in an indefinable sort of way, with those glowering eyes and billowing robes and sensuous voice. Fuck. He did want Snape.

"What d'you think, Harry?" Ron snickered.

"About what?" Harry said carefully, not really wanting to be dragged into this conversation.

"Snape's bits!" answered Ron. "Does he have any?"

Harry paled. "I try not to think about it," he answered truthfully. If he thought about it too much, he wouldn't be able to get up any time soon.

Fred nodded. "I feel your pain, Harry. You have another year of the wanker."

George howled now. "He can't be a wanker if he has no bits!"

This of course sent the boys into more hysteria, and Harry tried to look amused.

They all had another drink, and tried to watch the rest of the movie. Random fits of giggles would break out whenever the Metatron was on, though, and Harry couldn't stop thinking about Snape.

The twins were completely pissed now, and once the movie was over they came back to their premise.

"I really think that's it. Snape has no willy, and that's why he's such an asshole," Fred conjectured.

"Nah, don't be stupid, I'm sure he has one," Ron said reasonably. He waited a bit. "I'm sure it's miniscule, though."

George snickered. "That would explain a lot too."

"You're terrible," Hermione said, but she was clearly amused by the whole thing.

"Sounds like a wager to me," Fred mused. "You in, George?"

"Sounds smashing," replied George in a fake uppercrust accent. "Ron?"

"Why not? Harry?" Ron turned to Harry.

"Huh?" Harry asked intelligently. He had the feeling he'd missed something important.

"The wager," Ron explained patiently.

"What wager?" Harry asked with a sinking feeling.

"The wager as to whether Snape has bits!" George explained impatiently.

"W-why would I want to know?" Harry stammered, unable to think about anything now except what lay beneath Snape's pants.

"Principle of the thing," answered Fred. "But how will we know?"

"The cloak!" Ron cried.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"Harry has the Invisibility Cloak! He can find out!" Ron said.

"No!" Harry exclaimed immediately, but he was drowned out by the twin's roars of approval.

"Ron! My boy!"

"He is truly worthy of the name Weasley!"

Harry found he was standing. He announced indignantly, "I am NOT sneaking into Snape's rooms to watch him take a bath!" Of course, now he had a nice mental image of the man doing just that...

"But you have to, Harry!" Fred entreated.

"In the name of Hogwarts students!" George chimed in.

"We can finally know just why the man's such a great prat!" Ron added.

"I think he's got no bits," stated Fred.

"Me too!" agreed George.

"No, I think he's got them, but it's tiny," Ron disagreed, holding up his finger and thumb about an inch apart.

"I think he's a eunuch," said Hermione.

"A what?" Ron asked, looking confused, sending the twins off into more laughter.

"Means he's got some bits but not all of them," explained George.

Ron still looked blank, so Fred added, "No bollocks."

"Ah," Ron replied, looking thoughtful. He turned to Harry. "What do you vote for, Harry?"

Harry had been watching the exchange with increasing trepidation. Were they really serious about this? Maybe they'd forget it by tomorrow... but if he agreed to it, it would give him an excuse to spy on Snape, to see what lay beneath the billowing robes... and he for one was certain that Snape was fully equipped. But what if he got caught? Snape would kill him. He tried to think of a suitable answer that wouldn't give him away when Hermione protested.

"If he's the one who's going to find out, he can't wager!" she stated. "It would be a conflict of interest!"

All the redheads nodded in agreement. "She's right, Harry. You can't wager." Fred said.

"Gotta be impartial," added George.

"True," said Ron thoughtfully.

Harry found himself nodding in relieved agreement at the fact that he didn't have to voice an opinion when he suddenly realised something. "Hey! I am NOT sneaking into Snape's rooms!"

He was ignored, of course, and Harry sat back with the sinking feeling that something was about to go horribly, horribly wrong.